The Lord of Hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress
Psalm 46:11
Tonight, I write from a contrite heart. After months of job hunting, I am still without a job for after the Summer. I am going to be honest from my side because that is what I have. I have been hurt many times by the place that I have called home for the last four years. I do not blame most people in this place as I still respect the people who have had to make a decision to go with another candidate or have to close a position before it opens for me to apply. They are doing their jobs and I understand that. What I am hurt by is the amount that I have been strung along with false hopes and promises these past few months. I have been hyped up only to be dropped down again. I have been looked in the eyes by the Vice President of Academics and told that I "do not have enough passion" for positions at my home for the past four years. I have been summed up and judged without a second glance. I have been deemed not worthy by some and I have been overestimated by others. I am only who I am, who God made me to be.
After my final 'No' from my alma mater, I will be leaving my home by the end of the week. This has lead me to feel bitter and depressed. I do not necessarily enjoy change, but I have not really been one to run away from it when it is necessary. Though now, I find it harder to leave because of all that I have put into this place. The bitterness is from above, but the darkness that surrounds me? It is crushing. I feel as though I have failed, but God keeps pulling me back and tells me that he has something better for me. That he did not plan for me to stay at my school.
Psalm 46 has been a comfort. As you can see above, it is a good reminder. This verse, verse 11 that is, comes directly after one of people's favorite verses of all: Psalm 46:10, "'Be still and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!'" These two verses show the power and majesty of God. Who am I that I should question it? But in my flesh, I tend to forget and think that it has to be all on me. I ask for prayers, but then I let my anxiety rule. I become bitter when I do not get the job. How am I supposed to get the job when I put myself first and not God? As experienced, I am not. God will put me where he wants me, I have no doubt, but this fire of trial is getting hotter and hotter everyday. Thank you Lord of Hosts for being in the fire with me though.
Thank you all for reading my rant and my processing. May God bless you and keep you.
P.S. I highly recommend listening to Psalm 46 by Shane and Shane. My beautiful girlfriend introduced me to it and if you read the chapter as it plays in the background, you can gleam some more truths from it.
